


Ticket to the Bone Zone

by peppypear



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Body Horror, Caper Fic, Confessions, Crack, Crack Relationships, Crack and Angst, Crossdressing, DEBORAH - Freeform, Farce, Femme Fatale, Jealousy, M/M, Mind Control, Other, Puns & Word Play, Randomness, Sex Toys, Skeletons, Theft, Wig snatched, poor tony is the only sane man in this insanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 08:37:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18465364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppypear/pseuds/peppypear
Summary: Swallowing back bitter jealousy, Tony strode over to congratulate the woman who had won the battle for Steve’s heart. None of this was her fault, after all, it was Tony’s fault for messing his own chances up.Chestnut locks swished as she turned, and Tony couldn’t help taking a sudden step back, because the face staring back at him was all too familiar: angular, hollow-eyed, and a startling shade of crimson.“Steve. Steve, that’s Red Skull in a dress.”Steve looked appalled. “Don’t be rude, Tony. This is Deborah.”Red Skull’s lipless mouth pulled up in a smirk. “Guten tag, Herr Stark.”





	Ticket to the Bone Zone

**Author's Note:**

> Franz did some amazing artwork, upon which this fic is based! Check it out [here](http://franzwantscoffee.tumblr.com/post/179369385652/stony-is-so-last-year-we-stan-steve-x-deborah-now#_=_)
> 
> This fic is 100% crack and not intended to make fun of non-con, crossdressing, or any other thing. I like ridiculous premises, that's all there is to it.
> 
> A big thank you to FreyaS and Athletiger for cheer reading!

For all his creations and intellect, Tony was living proof that having a genius-level IQ didn’t translate into actual functional intelligence. 

It was difficult to believe that same brain responsible for building the Iron Man suit and creating a new element was barely above kindergartener level when it came to dealing with feelings -scratch that, even kids could be pretty fucking insightful- but the universe had a funny way of balancing things out like that. 

It all started on a day in the Avengers Complex like so many before: in the workshop with Tony analyzing gear upgrades and Steve sketching next to him, working next to each other in the comfortable familiarity of years spent on a team.

On this day, however, there was something else in the air. It was evident in the tense line of Steve’s shoulders, the maze of nervous scribbles filling his sketchpad, and how he kept throwing glances over to Tony. Tony, who was elbow-deep into armor repairs and therefore oblivious to everything around him.

After the second hour of this, Steve set the pad down with a determined cast to his jaw. “Tony, can we talk?” 

“Yeah sure, go ahead, I’m listening.” Tony squinted at the diagnostic readout on his screen. There were so many things to upgrade; the team’s last battle against the villain of the week had revealed far too many gaps in his defence systems. Nat had taken a nasty injury in their recent battle, he really needed to figure out a better way to reinforce everyone’s body armor to prevent that happening again, maybe a new polymer...

The muscles in Steve’s throat worked, a flush rising to his cheeks. “I really like you. Can we go out?” 

“Right on.” 

A relieved smile washed over Steve’ face. “I'm glad. Do you know how long I've been wanting to-”

“Slow down, cowboy.” Tony chuckled and pulled his goggles down over his eyes. “Don't worry, the team’s gonna be back any minute.” 

“Th...the team?”

“Yeah, we can go out to that new pizza place Clint has been raving about for weeks.” Tony nodded absently, eyes on the screen. “Hand me that solder, would you?”

As Tony fell into a work trance, he didn’t notice Steve’s face shutter in dismay as he passed the tool, or how the blond supersoldier trudged out of the lab, a hurt silence hanging around him like a raincloud.

It was only several weeks later that Tony’s brain finally buffered the real meaning behind the encounter, the realization hitting him harder than every skyscraper he'd ever been flung through.

Tony froze. The tools in his hands went clattering to the floor. 

Steve had been asking him  _ out on a date.  _

God, Steve had said out loud that he  _ liked _ Tony. Steve had been confessing his feelings and Tony had stepped on his confession like a rotten apple. How could he have been so callous? 

_ Why would he like me? Unless…  _

Of course.

Of course there had been more to it than he realised. It was inevitable, now that he thought about it. You couldn't help but grow close to the person you'd spent so many years of working and living together, and somewhere along the line Tony had come to enjoy- no,  _ yearn _ for Steve’s company. His steady presence. That dry wit. That angelic smile. Those sinful pecs.  

_ Stupid, thoughtless and selfish. I’m so sorry, _ Tony berated himself, shoving back his chair and marching straight for the elevator.

Well, Tony couldn't undo the past but he could pick up the pieces. He’d forced Steve to wait for so long, but no worries, Tony was going to make everything right. 

The elevators doors slid open, and Tony strode purposefully into the communal area. The sight was so domestic and family-friendly it looked ripped straight from an animated Disney movie: the entire team was sprawled across sofas and pillows on the floor, all nursing cartons of chocolate milk like it was a sleepover on a school night. There was even an  _ actual _ Disney film playing on the movie screen.

“I have an announcement to make,” Tony talked over Baymax’s emotional speech, ignoring the chorus of groans from the couches. “It’s about Steve.”

“Here we go again.” Clint pointed a finger gun to his temple and pretended to shoot himself.

Tony ignored him. “I’ve been blind for so long and I realised that now is the time to confess my feelings for our dear captain. And- What? Why are you all looking at me like that?” 

The reaction was instant. Clint sucked a breath through his teeth. Sam coughed awkwardly. Bruce grimaced. Wanda became very interested in the bowl of popcorn on her lap. Scott gave a full-body twitch, almost knocking Rhodey’s carton onto the floor. Peter did an impression of a rabbit in headlights. 

“I don’t see what’s so weird,” Tony folded his arms. “I'm a boy, about to stand in front of another boy and tell him I love him. ”

“Is that from Notting Hill?” Scott said weakly.

“Yes, I do like that movie, your point?” Tony replied snippily.

“No, no, I mean, that's cool that you like it. Just…” Scott stared fixedly at his hands. “Uh.”

The tension had reached pin-dropping levels of awkwardness. 

Tony threw his hands up with an impatient huff. “Can somebody just tell me where he is?”

Poker-faced, Natasha was the only one brave enough to answer. “Steve’s on a date with her.”

The answer chilled Tony to the bone. The floor seemed to have opened up beneath him, sending him falling down a deep dark pit, the words  _ date date Steve’s on a date and not with you _ echoing all the way down with him. “Who’s her?”

Clint nodded sagely and took a sip of chocolate milk. “Ah. I guess you don’t know about Deborah.”

\--

Tony wasn’t sulking. Sulking was for moody teenagers (sorry Pete) and business rivals who were too incompetent to build anything more complicated than a light bulb (sorry not sorry Hammer). 

No, Tony was grieving his  _ broken heart _ . Because no matter how hard he tried to change, his own obliviousness had once again gotten in the way of his own happiness.

The logical part of him (which sounded a lot like Pepper) told him he was being overdramatic and self-pitying, but the louder, more impulsive part of him wanted to crawl under a pile of pillows and never come out again.

_ How could Steve kick me to the curb like this, after we’ve known each other for over ten years? _ Tony couldn't help nervously twisting his pillow at the unpleasant thought. Yeah, Tony wasn’t perfect but he didn't like the thought of being cast aside for just one slip-up. 

What type of person could have captured Steve’s affections? 

What did  _ she _ have that Tony couldn't offer? 

Did she mend and upgrade all Steve’s gear? Give him a place to stay? Hang out with him all the time?

Was she also a genius billionaire superhero? Tony highly doubted that!

Tony let out a breath and let go of the pillow he had been suffocating. Okay, maybe he was sulking just a bit.

The thoughts had gnawed at him all day, killing his appetite for dinner and any motivation he'd had to continue tinkering. Despite his subtle attempts at gathering intel, none of the team seemed to know much about this Deborah other than the fact that Steve was utterly besotted with her. 

So Tony decided to do some recon of his own.

Which meant a night spent obsessively combing all of Steve’s social media for a glimpse of his elusive new squeeze. But Steve hadn’t seen fit to publicize his relationship, so Tony’s snooping session quickly spiralled into outright ogling Steve’s instagram.

(Truly, it had been a stroke of genius for the entire team to get social media consultants, where else could he get perfect HD documentation of all Steve’s PR-department-approved heroic deeds: helping seniors cross the street, volunteering as a firefighter, rescuing kittens from trees, candid post-workout snaps, dressed to the nines and looking like an actual Prince Charming at a recent red carpet charity gala…)

Tony gazed at the photo longingly. If he hadn't been such an idiot, Tony could be the one peeling Steve out of his blue velvet tux instead of some random woman the team barely knew...

Dwelling on this would just make things worse. Tony gritted his teeth, dragged his eyes away from the window and shut down the app.

It wasn't fair. 

As Tony settled in to catch what few hours of sleep he could, he wondered what new tortures the universe had in store for him.

He closed his eyes against the darkness, wishing bitterly that he’d snagged Captain America when he had the chance. 

—

There was a soft ping from JARVIS, informing him that Steve and this  _ Deborah _ woman had arrived in the common room. 

_ Well, time to meet and greet the happy couple,  _ Tony stormed down to the room in foul mood.

The woman standing next to Steve was tall and surprisingly athletic, wearing a conservatively-cut pink dress with a sun hat pulled low over long chestnut tresses. 

So this was the infamous Deborah, then.

For some reason, Steve hadn’t introduced his new girlfriend to anyone on the team yet, apparently deciding that Tony ought to be the first to meet her.

_ Way to add insult to injury,  _ Tony sulked internally.

But for all Tony’s bitching, even though it felt like his own heart was ripping in two, Tony knew he had to stand aside. Steve was more than the hot teammate he’d been in love with for years and had thought far too often about hooking up with; Steve was his friend too, and Tony wouldn’t begrudge him any happiness he could find. 

Tony would burn his feelings on the pyre of happiness if that meant Steve could have his. It was the right thing to do.

Swallowing back bitter jealousy, Tony strode over to congratulate the woman who had won the battle for Steve’s heart. None of this was her fault, after all, it was  _ Tony’s  _ fault for messing his own chances up. 

Chestnut locks swished as she turned, and Tony couldn’t help taking a sudden step back, because the face staring back at him was all too familiar: angular, hollow-eyed, and a startling shade of crimson.

“Steve. Steve, that’s Red Skull in a dress.”

Steve looked appalled. “Don’t be rude, Tony. This is Deborah.”

Red Skull’s lipless mouth pulled up in a smirk. “ _ Guten tag, Herr Stark _ .”

“This is a joke, right?” Tony staggered, feeling like the ceiling and floor had switched places beneath his feet. “You’re playing a prank to get back at me, is that it?” 

“What prank?” 

The puzzlement on Steve’s brow seemed genuine, and it only irritated Tony more. He raised his hands with a sharp laugh. “I get it, ha ha, let’s scare the bejeezus out of Tony, very funny. Now can we call the joke off already?” 

Steve’s frown deepened. “My feelings for Deborah are not a joke.”

“This really isn’t funny, Steve. Of all people, why would you think this is in any way appropriate?” Tony dug the heels of his hands into his eye sockets as if it to wipe away the absurd picture in front of him. He cracked one eye open. 

Nope, still stuck in a reality where he had to witness the horrifying sight of Steve holding hands with Red Skull in a pink dress.

Tony buried his face with a whine. “Oh my Thor, why?”

“Tony, you’re being very rude right now, and in front of Deborah,  _ the love of my life. _ ” Steve replied stiffly, and to make matters worse, Skull actually laid a comforting hand on Steve’s arm.

“Never mind him,  _ mein liebe _ . We’re late for our movie. I have been greatly looking forward to the screening of the WW2 documentary at the independent theatre.”

“Yes, we are. Good day, Tony.”

Tony watched speechlessly as Steve marched off arm-in-arm with the sundress-wearing Skull. 

This had to be mind control. Or a magic-induced hallucination. Maybe Tony was trapped in a pocket dimension where he was forced to relive his worst nightmares over and over for eternity. 

Desperately hoping that this was all a horrible  dream, he pinched his arm- nope, the sting told him he was still stuck in a reality where Steve thought he was in love with the Red Skull.

Tony covered his face with his hands. “This isn’t happening.”

\--

After taking an hour to regroup, Tony came up with a rational plan. In all his years of making stupid mistakes, he'd discovered the best way to defuse the situation was to confront it head on, in the most bare-bones way possible.

He arranged a private one-on-one sitdown with Steve in the most relaxing recreation room. Surely this was all a misunderstanding, no doubt the result of some brainwashing or drug-induced hypnosis. 

There had to be a logical explanation for this. It was okay, Tony told himself as he jittered around in his seat. This was a simple problem, they could deal with it. They’d beat the shit out of Skull and all be laughing about this later. 

There was a tap at the door, and Tony stood up as JARVIS admitted Steve.

To Tony's dismay, Steve hadn’t come alone.

“I told you I wanted to speak to you privately!” Tony burst out as Steve held the door open for Red Skull, allowing the scarlet scumbag to precede him into the room. 

Without a second thought, the watch gauntlet had smoothly encapsulated his hand. Tony raised his arm, began charging the repulsor, and aimed it squarely at the HYDRA leader. “Give me one reason why I shouldn't blast that stringy wig off your shiny head.”

To Tony’s horror, Steve stepped in front of Red Skull. “Put that away. Deborah and I are a team. Wherever I go, she does too. Anything you say to me, you can say in front of her.”

_ We’re a team, too, or did you forget that?  _ Tony thought furiously, as Red Skull smirked thinly and took a seat in the chair Steve drew out for him.

Tony gritted his teeth and deactivated his repulsor with a hiss, deciding to play along. For now. “Look, you just surprised me is all. We’ve known each other so long, what was it, ten years?”

Steve got a wistful look in his eyes. “Yeah. I guess we have.”

“How long have you two been together?” 

Steve brightened at the opportunity to talk about his relationship. “We’ve been dating almost two weeks, it's all really new. I don’t wanna rush things. We haven’t even...” Steve’s cheeks flushed. “You know.”

“No. No, of course you don't wanna be impulsive. That’s good.” Tony said quickly, mind already running through solutions. The one time Cap’s old-fashioned morality was a blessing. If Skull hadn’t had yet struck a homerun, there was still a chance to stop this madness. 

_ Don’t worry, Cap, I’ll save you. _

Steve had turned to Skull with a soft look. “But there’s been so much in my life I missed out on because I waited too long. Now that I have a chance to be happy, I don’t want to wait any longer.”

Suddenly, Tony didn’t like where this conversation was headed. “Wait…”

“Which is why, I've decided…”

“What are you saying?” Tony croaked. 

Steve smiled. “It's time for me to settle down.”

No, no, no. Everything was going wrong. Tony had to stop this before Steve bought himself a one way ticket to the bone zone.

“Y-You want to get married already?! You guys haven't even been together a month! I know you watched Frozen with us, ‘you can't get married to someone you just met’ remember?” Tony blurted out. The absurdity of the situation struck him like a falling pylon; rushing into marriage was the least of Steve’s problems, more horrifying was the fact that the person Steve wanted to marry was  _ Red Skull. _

The obstinate jut of Steve’s chin was all the answer he needed. “My mind is made up, Tony.”

Tony laid his hands palm-up on the table, trying to calm his racing heart. “I’m just… concerned about how this new addition will impact the team. We’re in a dangerous line of work, dating a- a civilian might have a bad effect on team dynamics, you know what I’m saying.”

Steve’s eyebrow lifted. “That’s kinda judgemental of you, Tony. Nobody on the team questioned your commitment back when you were dating Pepper, or when Wanda and Vision first got together, or when Natasha and Bruce had that weird fling that nobody wants to talk about…” 

“This isn’t about that.” Tony said faintly, wondering how was it was possible for his words to be completely misinterpreted.

“Then tell me what this is really about.” Steve sounded like he was losing patience. Red Skull hid a simper behind a skeletal hand.

Tony’s temper flared once more at the hideous sight. “How can you be so blind? Can’t you see the walking bag of bones in front of you for what it is!”

Steve’s face darkened. “I’m shocked at you Tony, women come in all shapes and sizes. Just because Deborah doesn’t fit your standards of attractiveness is no reason to be rude. Imagine how rude it would be if I talked about Pepper or Natasha like that...”

“That’s different! None of them tried to destroy the world with an Infinity Stone!” Tony said loudly, but knew that he’d already lost the second the words were out of his mouth. The more you told Steve not to do something, the more he’d  _ dig his heels in.  _

Steve’s jaw settled into a stubborn line. “We all have checkered pasts, but we move past them. I thought you, of all people, would understand that.”

Tony gulped. “Steve…”

Steve shook his head, now wearing his Disappointed Captain America face now. “I expected better of you.”

“Sticks and stones,  _ mein liebe _ ,” Red Skull added smugly.

“No, why can't you listen to me? Steve- I don’t want you to get hurt.” Tony was clutching at straws now. “I’m saying this purely out of concern. As your friend...” 

A distressed line appeared between Steve’s brows, and there was a flicker of puzzlement in his blue eyes, as if he was suddenly aware of his surroundings. But then it vanished, his face setting back into its stubborn mask. “A real friend wouldn’t behave the way you just did. We’re done talking. Let’s go, Deborah.” 

Steve rose, taking Red Skull’s bony hand in his. The sight made Tony want to throw up.

“I won't let this happen! Neither will the rest of the team!” Tony yelled after them, but door slid shut with a snap.

“They’ll back me up on this. They won’t stand for this bullshit.” Tony muttered to the empty room. He knew in his bones that they would.

—

One week later, Tony felt like he was losing his mind. Not only were the rest of the team oblivious to the identity of Steve’s new partner, they were fucking  _ happy for him.   _

“Isn’t Deborah lovely? That casserole she cooked for us really sticks to your ribs.” Clint beamed as the team had dinner. 

“She introduced me to this little cafe that does an amazing bone broth,” Natasha told Tony during sparring practice.

“She told me I needed more calcium in my diet.” Peter said curiously, as they worked on suit upgrades in the lab.

“Tones! We’re going for ribs with Deborah. Wanna join us?” Rhodey called from the atrium, where Steve and the team were milling about.

“She is very knowledgeable about spine alignment.” Strange said with grudging respect.

“She has an incredible intuition for knowing when it’s about to rain,” Thor said thoughtfully, as he dragged the massive skull of an alien dragon into the Avengers Complex.

It was more than Tony could take. He threw himself onto the couch, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes to block out the horrifying reality he was in. His mind had gnawed at the subject like a dog with a stale bone, and he could come up with only one reason for the collective insanity of the team.

 

This had to be a sting: this was some top-secret, covert black ops mission that everyone except Tony was in on. There was no way Steve was cruel enough to carry on a charade for this long, not when Skull was wearing such a paper-thin disguise. 

Yes, a covert sting. That had to be the reason for all this skullduggery. Because if it wasn’t, then that meant...

Tony dropped onto the couch with a groan, throwing an arm over his eyes. “Someone just shoot me now.”

There was a clink on his left. 

Tony opened his eyes to see Bucky sitting on the other end of the couch, sniper rifle over his knees and a bottle of polish. 

Tony considered the man thoughtfully. While Tony had utterly fucked up his chances at getting through to Steve, maybe his best friend would throw him a bone.

The former Winter Soldier gave him an unreadable look and went back to cleaning his gun. “Don't even think about it.”

“I didn't even say anything!”

“I could see in your eyes.” Bucky shook his hair out of his eyes with a snort. “Let it go, Stark. He was really hoping you’d say yes, but you turned him down. Can you blame for finding someone else?”

“Is that why he’s doing this? Revenge?” Tony let out a sharp bark of laughter. “To torture me?”

Bucky frowned. “Of course not, Steve doesn’t have a cruel bone in his body.”

“I know, and I’m trying to keep it that way.” Tony muttered, rubbing at his temples. 

Bucky rolled his eyes, and turned over his gun. “If it makes you feel any better, Deborah wants to wait till marriage.”

“Of course she does.” Tony flopped back and glared at the ceiling. As relieved as he was to hear Steve was safe from the bone zone (for now), he couldn’t kick the sensation that he was missing a piece of the puzzle. He knew Red Skull was planning  _ something,  _ butt what?

Unconcerned with Tony’s dilemma, Bucky continued idly cleaning his gun. “Steve’s had a tough time, I’m glad to see him happy about something. Except maybe… hm.”

He pounced on the opening. “That was a very eloquent hm. Is there something you want to share? Misgivings? Reservations? Concerns?”  _ Unadulterated horror that your best friend wants to shackle himself to a literal bag of bones? _ He added silently.

The uncertainty stirring in Bucky’s grey eyes said it all. “He might be rushing into this.”

_ Yes! A sane ally!  _ Tony resisted the urge to fist pump. “How do you figure?”

Pursing his lips, Bucky slowly said, “They're planning to tie the knot tomorrow.” 

Tony almost fell off the couch in horror. “What?!”

“They spent this week taking the team out as they did all the wedding preparations.” 

Tony jolted to his feet, “Why did nobody tell me about this?!"  


“Because everyone knows you hate her.” Bucky said drolly.

_ Shit, shit. This is bad.  _ Tony felt like ripping something in half. He was running out of time to save Steve. His mind fired to life, flipping through various ideas and designs. Perhaps if he worked like a crazy person, he could throw together some sort of anti-Skull weaponry in the lab to disintegrate skeletal red  nazis...

Bucky had ignored his departure. The Winter Soldier seemed uncharacteristically chatty as he blithely continued to polish his gun and talk to himself. “But that's not the weirdest part… but she went and gifted Steve a fleshlight to let him ‘take the edge off.’ Which in itself is kinda creepy, if you ask me. The thing doesn’t even look like a normal toy, it’s all white like a weird dinosaur femur...”

Tony screeched a halt. He’d forgotten he had an ally, maybe teamwork would save the day yet. “Tell you what, Buckaroo, I’ll go work on a solution in my lab and you go talk Steve out of making the biggest mistake of his life. Let’s take down bargain-bin Skeletor together, capiche?” 

Bucky was silent. His brow furrowed, mind warring between his conflicted thoughts.

“Deborah’s teaching me how to play the xylophone. I always wanted to learn.” said Bucky quietly, without looking up from his neatly-polished gun barrel.

Tony wanted to scream.

\--

Tony’s well of ideas was bone dry, but he rallied with an effort.

The good news was that in less than an hour he had whipped up a new type of suit, and with a catchy name to boot: Bonecruncher. The bad news was that he was about 60% through ironing out all the bugs - he’d be crashing a wedding at less than full power, but there was no other way around it.

Time was ticking, and every glance at the clock made Tony’s heart jump just a little faster. 

“Are you okay, Mr Stark?” Peter hopped up onto the seat next to him, hefting a huge rucksack onto the table. 

“Yeah, just…” Tony paused, trying to think of a kid-friendly way to summarize the scenario. “Have you ever have been in a situation where you’re trying to talk a friend out of making a stupid mistake, but they just won’t listen?”

Peter looked sheepish, running a hand through his hair so it stood up up the back. “Uh, usually I’m the friend.” He broke into an earnest smile, the bright one spoke of youthful idealism, the type of kindness that couldn’t bear to leave people in distress. “But maybe I can help. What’s going on?”

“St- Somebody I care about is making a huge mistake and I can't do anything but watch. He doesn't even want me around.” Tony slumping over the table in defeat. “I can’t do anything but watch as that Jackass Skellington knockoff gets his claws in deeper to my St- my friend.”

Peter bit his lip, looking overwhelmed by the prospect of dealing with an adult having a breakdown. “Uh…”

Tony chuckled resignedly, running a hand through his hair. He really shouldn’t be burdening a kid with his issues. “Don’t worry about it. Old people problems.”

“How about… do you want some chocolate milk? Snacks usually help me feel better.”

“Yeah, sure.” 

Peter reached into the rucksack for two cartons of chocolate milk, handed one over and kept one for himself. 

“Thanks, kid.” As Tony stabbed the cheap plastic straw into the carton, his gaze fell on Peter's bag, and that was unusual: the beaten up backpack was bursting at the seams with milk cartons.“Why are you carrying around so much milk anyway? If you’re trying to bulk up that’s completely the wrong type of protein.”

“Oh, Deborah gave these to me, she said-” Peter broke off into a yelp as Tony choked and flung the carton as far away as he could. Half a second later, a repulsor beam exploded the carton in midair, disintegrating it before it ever hit the ground.

“That Undertale reject has gone too far.” Tony hissed. “Going after Steve is one thing, but going after a kid? That sick fuck is gonna pay…”

Peter goggled at the outburst. “You didn’t have to do that. I think you might be taking this feud with Ms Deborah a little far- hey! Those are mine!” Peter jumped as Tony smacked the carton out of his hand and snatched the bag from him, holding them high out of the teen’s reach.

Tony didn’t stop repulsoring entire the entire backpack and its contents were a pile of cardboard-and-milk sludge. He rounded on the teen in a fury. “Do you have any idea what you were about to drink? Didn’t you learn not to accept gifts from strangers? Street smarts?!”

“Ms Deborah is a friend!” Peter exclaimed, casting a sad look at the smoking ruins of his snacks. “She said the calcium would help me grow taller! I don’t want to be short forever, it would really suck if I was still this height as an adult- uh-” Peter stuttered to a halt as he looked at Tony, the two of them standing eye-to-eye.

“Oh no, keep going.” Tony said dangerously.

Peter gulped, preparing make what was presumably a valiant effort to dig himself out of the hole he’d dug himself into, when JARVIS spoke up. 

“Sir, I’m afraid I must interrupt. My sensors have detected a concentrated amounts of psychotropic drugs. I recommend you and Mr Parker vacate the lab so I can proceed with decontamination.”

The warning put Tony into Iron Man mode. Clearly Red Skull was making this a two-pronged attack: first creepy honey traps and now biowarfare. “Can you pinpoint the source...?”

Tony’s eyes fell on the pulpy mess in the centre of the room, and the final piece of the puzzle clicked into place.

Red Skull cosying up to Steve, ingratiating himself with the Avengers, the ubiquitous chocolate milk that everyone had been drinking for weeks and the chillingly bland smiles, that horrifying gift of a fleshlight, and now psychotropic mind-altering drugs… 

“Oh shit.” Tony froze in his tracks, the revelation chilling him to the marrow. 

He knew what Deborah was planning.

“JARVIS, get me a camera feed on Red Skull.” 

“There is no facial match for Red Skull within the Complex, Sir.”

“Really? You gonna do this to me too? Fine, get me eyes on… Deborah.”

“Ms Deborah has just departed from Helipad A. It seems she has taken back Captain Rogers’ gift for her trip.”

There was no time to lose. Tony dashed out of the lab. “Jesus, why is this my life… Ready the suit.”

“But Sir, the Mark 69 “Bonecrusher” is not  yet flight-ready.”

“You know what I always say about running and walking?”

“Very good, Sir.”

Left alone in the lab, Peter stared at the still-smoking remnants of his backpack in the center of the floor. “I guess this mean the wedding’s off?”

\--

Tracking Red Skull’s signal was a slow affair, as he hadn’t had time to optimize the speed of his rushed suit. It wasn’t his best work, but it would have to do. Normally, he would have liked some backup, but there was nobody left on the team he could trust.

“Note to self, remember to make more supervillain-buster suits in advance. Just in case more bad guys start trying to seduce my teammates.” Tony grumbled, as the janky suit dipped and swerved, flying low in the sky.

Two hours of flying led Tony to an abandoned aircraft boneyard. He landed heavily among empty husks of old airliners sat around, examining the site for clues. 

“Come on, come on… gotcha!” Red Skull’s signal was coming straight from the old aircraft hangar at the far end of the tarmac. The inside was deserted, the only thing out of place was the door to the basement, left conspicuously ajar.

Tony glared. The old bonehead was taunting him. Well, Tony would bring the fight to him. 

As Tony descended level after level, the signal stronger. He knew he had found the right place when entered a cavernous concrete room, and heard the distant rumble of doors slamming shut, sealing off the path he had arrived by.

Tony popped open his faceplate. “You might have tricked Steve and all our team mates, but there’s one person you haven’t managed to fool.”

“You were clever enough to see through my plan, Herr Stark. But you are too late to stop me.”

Red Skull stepped out from a pillar, dressed in a gown and veil of ivory silk.

Tony snorted. “Sweetie, you clearly don't have the figure for that dress. Maybe you didn’t get the memo, but they don't make clothes in Size Evil.”

“Foolish fool.” Red Skull lifted a white object that gleamed in the dimness. It looked like a dinosaur bone, but Tony knew with a thrill of horror that it was a fleshlight. He could see a glistening trail of liquid leaking from the top.

Red Skull smirked and brandished the item tauntingly. There was a faint sloshing sound. 

Tony tried not to gag. “That is seriously gross. Do I want to know how long it’s been sloshing around in there?”

“Silence.” Skull tossed the wig over his shoulder. “For all your boasting, I, the Red Skull have bested you. All you can do is watch as I carry out my plan.”

“To do what? Embarrass Steve?” Tony snorted. “You should’ve seen the pics from last year’s holiday party.”

“The serum, you foolish fool. Dr Erskine’s formula was lost, as was the vial of blood secreted away by Agent Carter. The only way to recreate the serum is through the extraction of a DNA sample.”

“Wasn’t being a Nazi evil enough for you? You had to go full-on rapey, too?” Tony growled. 

“Foolish fool,” said Red Skull imperiously, cocking one hand on his hip. “HYDRA is high above such base emotions. The real prize was always the super soldier serum formula. Now that I have reclaimed it, HYDRA will build a new army of super soldiers stronger than your precious Captain!”

“Not a chance in hell.” Tony’s faceplate slammed down. “You hurt Steve, and for that I’m gonna come at you with a shot of pure, concentrated bone-hurting juice.”

Despite wearing a dress and five-inch heels, Red Skull was faster than he seemed, landing inhumanly strong blows that would’ve felled any other opponent.

The armor fell dead under a bone-juddering punch to the arc reactor. Tony grimaced as the suit powered down, pinning him in what was no better than a metal box. “FRIDAY, initiate Ripley protocol.”

As Red Skull stepped closer to his downed form. The armor split open, Tony sprang out from the carcass like an alien parasite and socked Red Skull across the jaw with one gauntleted hand.

The surprise gambit worked; Skull’s grip on the fleshlight loosened, and with a swipe Tony snatched the fleshlight out of the bony grasp.

“No!” Red Skull’s scream of outrage echoed off the concrete as Tony hightailed it for the exit.

“Bye bye, Bonehead,” Tony muttered as he scanned the maze of corridors for an escape route The way he’d came through was sealed, and with no armor, he hadn’t any hope of busting through three feet of solid concrete. 

Skull’s mocking laughter seemed to come from all around him. “There’s nowhere to go. I will pry the serum from your dead fingers!” 

Perhaps it was the acoustics of the place throwing off his hearing, because Tony turned half a second too late. More than enough time for Skull to land a blinding punch across the jaw, sending Tony slamming head-first against the wall. 

Stars winked in the edges of his vision. Tony blinked up dazedly at the ceiling, wondering how he’d ended up on the floor. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, his limbs felt like they were fighting through cement, and worst of all, he could see Red Skull striding towards him, reaching out a white-gloved hand for the ghastly fleshlight. 

No.

Tony couldn’t let the serum fall into the hands of HYDRA. Especially when it had been taken from Steve in such an ignominious way.

There had to be some way to keep it away, to protect Steve. Without his repulsors he couldn’t disintegrate the thing, couldn’t escape. He scanned his surroundings once more: the room was small and featureless, no escape routes, not even a handy incinerator to dispose of it.

Almost unbidden, Tony’s eyes fell on the fleshlight. There was a trail of pale fluid on the lips of the silicon end. As he watched, a drop slithered down the puckered rim, landing in the puddle with a splash. The pearly drop glowed, and then it was gone

_ Magic super soldier jizz.  _ Tony raised an eyebrow.  _ That definitely wasn't in any of Dad’s notes. _

Tony’s scientific curiosity couldn’t help being aroused. He’d known the supersoldier serum had given Steve enhancements, but not to this, uh, extent.  _ I wonder if this could be used as a power source…  _ True enough, the fleshlight was glowing faintly from within. It felt warm in his grip, like it was a live ember. 

_ There is one place…one place beyond Red Skull’s reach _ Tony gulped, staring at the dripping fleshlight as a new thought bloomed in his fevered mind.

It was disgusting, but he had no choice. He had to drink it.

The plan made Tony’s stomach clench up, but the mere thought of all the horrors HYDRA could come up with if they got their paws on it was enough to strengthen his resolve. 

He raised the fleshlight to his lips.

Judging by the look in his gaunt eyes, Red Skull reached the same conclusion simultaneously. The skeleton lunged for Tony. “Foolish fool, don’t you dare swallow down a century’s worth of scientific research!“

Tony could feel his gut churning in preparation, but he couldn't waste time thinking about his own squeamishness. He couldn't let such a valuable power source fall into HYDRA’s hands- no, not just that.

Tony couldn't let them steal a piece of Steve. He closed his eyes. This was the only way to keep him safe. The fleshlight was so near his face, Tony could feel warmth emanating from within the cylinder.

Red Skull’s screams rang off the walls, and Tony could hear him coming closer… closer...

A bone-shaking rumble rocked the room. The wall behind Tony exploded open in a burst of rubble.

Steve burst through the newly-blasted doorway and stared.

Tony would wager that nothing in Steve’s life had prepared him for the sight of dress-clad Skull charging for Tony, who had a fleshlight an inch from his open mouth.

Steve blinked, shield wavering. “What is going on?”

Taking advantage of the split second distraction, Tony immediately took action: he shoved the fleshlight into his pocket. He seized a handful of Red Skull’s flowing tresses and snatched the wig. With a sharp tug, the auburn tresses fell away revealing the shiny red pate.

“Red Skull!” Steve exclaimed, dropping into a fighting stance. “You were behind this all along?” 

“Really?!” Tony screamed.

“Rogers. We meet again.” Red Skull sneered, tearing his veil off and chucking it into a corner. 

Steve’s expression went dark. “I won’t let you off for kidnapping Tony.”

“Oh for the love of- I wasn’t kidnapped, I went after him myself!” After being dragged out in the middle of nowhere, beaten, up, and now insulted, Tony was ready to burn the whole facility down.

“You have interfered in my plans for the last time!” Red Skull snarled, charging at Steve in a flurry of silk and lace.

But Steve was ready for him, moving faster than the eye could see. 

It was a one-sided match. Ending with an unconscious HYDRA leader on the ground with several new dents in his shiny red head, a stream of drool dribbling out the corner of gaping mouth.

“Tony are you okay? Why didn’t you tell me Deborah was Red Skull in disguise?” Steve said mournfully.

The words resonated loudly within the space. Turning his head slowly to face Steve, Tony made a sound like a dying whale.

Steve winced. “Uh… I can explain?” 

“You think talking is going to fix this?!” Tony rounded on Steve, stalking towards him with a wild-eyed stare, which made the supersoldier gulp audibly and clutch his shield in front of him as if trying to hide behind it.

When Steve replied, his voice sounded half an octave higher, and he . “I didn’t do this on purpose. Listen, Tony. Tony, I can explain…”

“How in the name of Thor’s giblets could you mistake  _ that, _ ” Tony geticulated at Skull. “For a human woman- what the fuck- Do you have any idea what this month has been like for me? Natasha going all hipster with her bone broth, your bff suddenly taking xylophone lessons from Skull, and creepiest of all, the way he tried to foist off ‘milk’ to the kid, I swear when Schmidt comes round I’m gonna knock the marrow out of him... ” 

Tony didn’t care that he probably sounded a crazy person what he looked like: clothes shredded, hair a mess, and with unspeakable fluids on his hands from wrestling over Skull’s… device.

Steve peeked nervously over the top of his shield. “Would it help if I said that I didn’t have a choice?”

That stopped Tony in his tracks.

“...Fine. Tell me why you’re not bone-o-sexual anymore.”

Steve slowly lowered his shield, approaching Tony like a spooked animal. “It was like… a song that had been playing in the background was suddenly switched off, and I was myself again. That’s when I knew you were in trouble and had to come after you.”

“Music? You weren’t yourself? Steve, what are you talking about?”

“Remember those weeks ago when I confessed to you? I was gutted when you said no, so I went on a long walk. Got careless.” Steve cracked a mirthless smile. “Wasn’t paying attention when Red Skull and his goons ambushed and blasted me with some kind of gas. It must have hypnotized me or something...”

“Hypnotized you?! We have some things to talk about.” Tony seized Steve by the chin, turning his head slightly and searching for any trace of blurriness in those blue eyes. Through the haziness building in his own skull, he could feel the pricklings of guilt. It was his fault for not keeping a better eye on Steve, if only he hadn’t been so wrapped up in work, Red Skull would never have gotten his grimy paws on him.

“I’m fine. But you look pretty beat. We should go back, you might have a concussion...“ Steve’s hands gently came up to clasp Tony’s head, running over the bump on his head to assess the damage.

Steve’s hands cradling his head felt nice, and Tony leaned into the touch, enjoying the sensation of being held so carefully… his eyes snapped open.

“I would’ve said yes.” Tony blurted out.

Steve blinked.

“Those weeks ago when you were in the workshop? If I’d known what you were asking, I’d have said yes, let’s bone right here, right now.” Tony bit his tongue and took a deep breath. “You’re not just my teammate and friend, I… care about you. I never realised how much I liked having you around until a… a skeleton in a dress threatened to take it all away.”

Steve’s eyes shone. “You mean…”

Tony exclaimed emphatically. “Yeah, if you’d just waited around a few more minutes to explain your proposal, we wouldn’t have gotten into this mess in the first place!”

The sadness had returned to Steve’s eyes, sending a punch of guilt to Tony’s gut. This was a mess. Words had always been their downfall; too many of them, always getting in the way and making things  _ complicated _ and Tony had had enough. Surging forward, he fitting himself against the line of Steve’s torso and pressed his lips to that perfect mouth.

_ It was better than he’d imagined, the closeness and scent of Steve warming him right down to his bones. _ They kissed for what felt like an eternity, just the two of them standing in the deserted bunker.

“Oh,” Steve gasped out when they broke apart. His hands had come up to hold the other man close, staving off some of the chill in the air.

After a month of never ending stress, the sudden cessation of tension was like all the air being let out of a life raft. Which was the only thing keeping Tony upright at that moment.

“Just like that,” Tony said, and promptly passed out.

—

[A few days later]

“Who knew Red Skull had been plying us all along with psychotropic drugs?” Bruce stated indignantly, slamming his report on the table in the communal area the sample analysis. All the Avengers had gathered in the lab to see the results of the tests. 

“The ribs, the bone broth…The milk.” Peter stuck out his tongue. “I’m never gonna look at a milk carton the same way again.”

“Combine that with the micro transmitter he had hidden in his wig. It was programmed to constantly broadcast subliminal messages, which when combined with the suggestible state the drugs put us in, made us his puppets to control.” Bruce frowned at the wig, which was sitting in a containment booth and looking considerably more disheveled ever since Steve had ‘rescued’ it from the bunker.

“So when Mr Stark snatched Red Skull’s wig…” Peter said excitedly.

“The signal was interrupted, allowing us to regain our thoughts.” Bruce nodded.

“How did Tony escape the effects in the first place?” Scott asked.

“All the time he spent in his lab helped him avoid the spiked food. Looks like your workaholic tendencies saved you.” Bruce explained. 

Tony leaned his elbows on the lab table, frowning slightly at Bruce’s report. Even though he had seen through Red Skull’s plan, it still rankled that he hadn’t responded quick enough. He should have been smarter, done more…

A warm hand landed on his back and Tony looked up.

“Hey.” Steve was standing there with a soft smile. His hand drew through Tony’s hair gently, soothing over the still-healing bump on his head. “Feeling better?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?” Tony scootched a little closer to bump their shoulders together, and lowered his voice. “Are you actually okay? Red Skull basically roofied the entire team to score some uh, bodily fluids off you. That kind of thing could mess a guy up, if you ever need to talk to someone.”

“I’m fine.” Steve’s hand squeezed Tony’s shoulder. “Without you, things could’ve gone a whole lot worse. You were the only person saw through it.” 

“I should’ve done something sooner.”

Steve grimaced. “I can’t say that it was a shining moment for any of us. But other than my dignity and some clothes that I’m going to scrub  _ very _ thoroughly, I think we’re all going to be all okay. Thanks to you.” 

“Don’t get all sweet on me, I couldn’t let that old bonehead get his hands on the goods.” Tony reached up to link their fingers together, thumb brushing over Steve’s hand as if to the contact could help brush off the memory of the past month. 

Clint cleared his throat obviously and jabbed Steve in the ribs. “Are you sure you’re ready to leap into a new relationship after Deborah left you at the altar like that?” 

Nat tsked. "Don't be so judgemental. We all have skeletons in our closets."

“I can’t believe you can still joke about this,” Tony grumbled. 

“You have to admit, it was kinda funny.” Clint shrugged. “Gets me right in the funnybone.”

Steve chuckled awkwardly and raised his hands. “I’m just glad nobody on the team was permanently hurt.”

“Yeah, that would’ve been a real bone of contention.” Clint said helpfully.

“That’s it, we’re leaving.” Scowling, Tony disentangled himself from Steve and began tugging the supersoldier with him out of the lab.

Clint whistled. “So are you guys gonna bone now?” 

“Not funny, Barton.”

“Did you check your pockets for any bonecalls?”

“Stop it.”

“Fine, I’ll leave you lovebirds to it. You know what they say... bone appetit!” Clint fired his last zinger with a wink and a grin.

Tony cursed as the elevator doors shut on them.

**Author's Note:**

> THANKS I HOPE YOU LIKED THIS VISIT MY TUMBLR OR JOIN THE  
> [MCU STONY 18+ DISCORD ](https://discord.gg/CbNW4Bt)FOR MORE CRAZY FUN


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